Going Down Getting you Down? Giving Up on Going Up

For when ham-fisted satire isn't enough: where to find reputable gunsmiths and clock towers in population centers with nice clear lines of sight.

Sometimes even we have to admit that enough is enough. One person too many pushed in front of you in the queue? All of you forgotten to press the 'up' button again, even though there's dozens of you waiting there? Driven beyond rage by the unending sequence of morons who seem to think that pushing the numbered buttons in lifts one, two or three will make the doors close when this is quite obviously not the case? Yes, we've been there too, and naturally you're thinking of destroying everything in the universe. Careful! Even the best of guns can't take out everyone, and the increasing use of clock towers for exactly this purpose has made it difficult to find people to perform the dangerous job of maintaining the lifts. This has lead to many arriving at clock towers to discover that the lifts aren't working, going into shock and ending up shooting themselves instead of everyone else. And if that's where you're at, why not 'let yourself go' and use an Exit Tower?

Exit Towers

You'll find thousands of these pieces of heaven in every town. A crystal column into the sky, each one has a wonderfully spacious glass-roofed lift that is GUARANTEED to be on the ground floor when you arrive. Its doors will automatically, swiftly and silently open as soon as you approach, and close behind you the instant you enter. Inside there is nothing but one big, satisfying button, bearing the the simple, beautiful legend 'UP'. Upon pressing it, the lift instantly begins to rise, accelerating into the sky above. As you pass through the clouds and into the bright sunshine it picks up further speed. Soon you will pierce the atmospheric blanket, the brilliant stars shining above and the curve of clear blue earth below. The acceleration will pick up again, moving you further and further on into the cosmos. The extreme cold of the vacuum of space would soon kill you if it were not for the g-forces already having reduced you to a blot. Just past the orbit of the moon the ceiling automatically opens and the lift comes to a sudden stop, your remains happily flying through space towards their final destination - the heart of the sun. Soon, they descend to a glorious, contented, peaceful end in the star's furious engine.

If this is for you, go to an Exit Tower today, but hurry - the service is very popular. The sun is starting to look distinctly chubby, better call us to book a trip before it decides to go on a diet!!!!!

Home