Working your Way to the Top

Giving employees laptops to use while waiting for the lifts ups productivity by 9,999,999%!1

Eagle-eyed bosses spotted that employees were foolishly wasting a lot of time waiting for lifts, so they quickly sprung into action. No, they didn't fix the lifts, silly! Instead they gave everyone laptops so they could keep working while they waited. As it turns out, the heated atmosphere, close proximity to colleagues and lack of distractions sent output through the roof - so much so that they've already written every article for every issue of every magazine for the next six hundred years before even getting to their desks!2 So, we can tell you're dying to know: what's hot and what's not in 2606?

 
'Just 617' Magazine

Got your eye on a special guy? Here are our hints on getting your man in the year 2606!

If you know your hunk is attending a party and you're invited, be sure to make a big impression. In the past it was important to stand out from the crowd. Now, with the invention of Instant Cloning and Teleportation, you can make sure that you ARE the crowd! Yes, turn your Clone-O-Matic up to eleven, plug it into the Pop Box and you can flood the party with thousands of dazzling yous. Make sure not to do so too soon though, as there's nothing more unfashionable than turning up to a party early. No, current trends dictate it's best to leave it a couple of years, better a few decades, ideally several centuries, leaving your clones to plummet into a big crater where the venue used to be.

'But wait!' I hear you say. But let me stop you there, girls, because I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING. You're thinking, 'what if I come across as too eager? I don't want him to think I'm easy!'. Yes dears, it's always a risk. Show any indication of affection whatsoever and you could even be taken for a stalker - and remember girls, nobody likes a psychopath! In these cases I've found the best thing to do is to take out a contract to have your special man destroyed by a meteorite before you ever get to meet him. After all, there's nothing wrong with playing a little 'impossible to get' - he'll thank you for it in the long run!

 
'Overladen' magazine

How to bag futuristic birds!

Lets face it lads, impressing futuristic hypertotty can be a tricky business. Ever since Little Davey Beckham XXIV gave every rose in the world to his wife Uberposh the Merciless we've lost one of our favourite tricks. For those of you that were too busy in school ogling up the lass in the next row to pay attention, we'll fill you in (so to speak!!). Back in 2397, Little Dave decided to pull out all the classy stops by giving his saucy demonic spouse every rose in the world, to be presented by a specially genetically-engineered monolithic pink bunny rabbit in a giant singing red silk bow. Unfortunately the bunny must have got dazzled by the spectacle of it all, and not only scoffed down all the roses but noshed back Davey's black-hearted other half as well. Poor little Davlings' resulting ultrasonic shrill of despair was so loud it not only made the mega-bunny explode but blew up everything else for fifty miles as well, leaving what we now know as the Essex Wastes.

Of course, there might not be any more roses but there was still always that traditional sure-fire winner - diamond jewelery. Sadly, we don't even have that any more either. Last year Billy Gates IIIIIIIIIIII had them all pressed together along with the final remaining coal seam to make the last and biggest diamond ever. This was a desperate attempt to impress Paris Hilton the 345634634th, a gesture which made her briefly glance up with a look of disdain, marking the greatest display of affection by a Hilton heiress in over seven hundred years - score, Billy Boy!

His gain is our loss however - it's one less trick in our little book of magic to play. There has been a trend of late to send saucy romantic text messages to be projected on the moon. Unfortunately text-speak has now abbreviated to the point that no-one understands it, but no one is willing to admit to this in case they appear uncool. So there's only one way these days to get what you want and that's to 'say it to supernovae'. Pick a star, arrange to have it blown up, take her outside on the night the light from the explosion is due to reach earth and she'll be putty in your arms. Just make sure it's not a star too close to home or none of us'll be getting any!!!!!!

 
'Take a Mind-Bogglingly Long Break' magazine

The latest on all your favourite soaps!

Over in Albert Square, android alco-vendmatic overseer MichellAtor B, distracted by his perpetual omni-feud with Den Mk 500, has forgotten Swarm Queen Peggy's birthday. This has revealed in him a subconscious trend towards aspirations negative to hive mind equilibrium, making him a target for retrogressive deprogramming and subsequent dessication. MichellAtor B has indicated his anger at this course of events in the traditional Michellator manner of tilting his head to one side and dipping his chin slightly. Luckily he was able to assuage the wrath of the vast nightmarish grub-like slavering-mawed mass that is Spawn Empress Peg by gifting her some spangly tat from the market. This pleasured the MichellAtor, leading him to display good humour in the traditional manner - by tilting his head to one side and raising his chin slightly.

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